What Hurts the Most
by whitedove03
Summary: Song fic to Rascal Flatts 'What Hurts the Most' Johns thoughts and feelings on losing Natalie after the prison riot.


**A/N I don't own these characters nor do I own the lyrics to this song. I do this for my own amusement and am gaining no profit from it. **

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**What Hurts The Most **

**Song by Rascal Flatts - Fic. By Missy Ann For Chantal.**

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

John sat in his apartment staring listlessly out the window. The rain had been falling steadily all day, adding to his melancholy mood. He began to ponder what his life would have been like if he hadn't made that promise to Cris. Would Natalie be in his life? Would she still be with Cris? Or would she be with him, like he had imagined hundreds of times.

A tear snaked its way down his face as he contemplated the possibilities. It hurt; he hurt, knowing that his own misguided sense of loyalty had probably destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to him. More tears fell as John's eyes spotted a shirt that Natalie had left behind. He remembered her wearing that shirt; she had been beautiful in it.

Sighing brokenly he reached out and took hold of the shirt and buried his face in it and inhaled, her scent was still on it. Lying down on the bed he closed his eyes and went to sleep, hoping to dream of Natalie.

The next morning John walked into the station with quick purposeful strides. He had a case to solve and criminal to put behind bars. Doing his job was the only thing that kept him sane, kept him from simply staking out Llanfair and pouring out his heart to Natalie. Every time she looked at him he wanted to cry out that he had been trying to do the right thing. That he had been trying to save her from the pain of waiting for a man that might never get out of prison.

But that really wasn't the whole story and he knew it. He hadn't told her because he had wanted her for himself; he had wanted Natalie to love him and not Cris. He had wanted that since before she and Cris were married but he knew he didn't stand a chance. How could he compete with her perfect man?

"Natalie, please listen," John said, trying to make her understand why he did it. He knew that nothing he could possibly say would change what he did but he needed her to know why he did it. He loved her too much not to tell her the complete truth. That is if she would listen. When she just turned and walked away his shoulders slumped and tears came to his eyes.

It was only a week after Cris had been released from prison and he knew it was too soon for her to even think about forgiving him but it hurt for her to just walk away with out a word.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

Two months later John sat on the roof drinking away his sorrows. The past months had been terrible for him. Natalie had divorced Cris and hadn't quit her job but she still wouldn't talk to him at all. She had changed her shifts at the station so they didn't run into each other and had even taken to playing pool else where just so she wouldn't have to see him. Taking another swig of whiskey he chuckled to himself brokenly. Leave it to her to go to such extremes to avoid him.

He had thought it would be better not to see her at the station if they weren't together but not seeing her every day tore at his heart and he ached with the loss. Every time he went to the station someone other than Natalie greeted him and he missed her smile. When Gloria smiled at him every morning it just made him long for Natalie and her beaming smiles, long for her cheerful chatter. Hell. Just getting up in the morning, getting dressed and ready for work made him remember the times she had been there and they had gotten ready together, made him long to do it again.

Drinking the last of the whiskey John took the bottle and threw it across the roof and it smashed onto the bricks on the other side. Seeing the glass shatter reminded him of how he had shattered Natalie's trust in him. He had taken her heart, taken her body and had lied right to her face. Turned her into an adulteress with out her knowledge and broken her heart. And she still didn't even know that he loved her.

He loved her so much, he would gladly tell her but she still wouldn't speak to him. His love stayed, gnawing at him, tormenting him with longings and dreams of what could have been if only he had told her how he felt about her, if only he hadn't messed up quite so badly.

Even now he wouldn't trade a minute of their time together for anything. As much as he was hurting right now and as much as he wished he could go back and fix things he wouldn't trade those months they shared for all the gold in Fort Knox. His only regret was that he had left so much unsaid. That he hadn't said the words she had needed when they might have meant something to her. Again sighing brokenly he laid his head against the cool concrete and closed his eyes.

Soon he fell asleep and dreamed about Natalie. Dreamed that they were together and happy. That she knew he loved her and she loved him in return. Maybe one day his dream would come true and he and Natalie would be together and happy. All John knew was that it wasn't now and the pain of that knowledge followed him everywhere, everywhere except his dreams.

**The End**

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

_Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do_


End file.
